Fasting & Prayer: “Love” Broke Me, Then Brought Me Closer To God
It was 2012, I was 25 years old and had been dealing with the same man since I was 14. Things were bad between us. Arguing all the time, other women, and mean words – the mean words were usually mine. I’m not claiming innocence in this. I’m stating facts and it was bad! Dealing is not dating, and although we both understood that, my heart had some issues with it.
Almost 12 years! My heart said “this is my husband! I’ve invested too much into him for him to think he not gon get it together!” Y’all know that type of love! That I love you, this has been hell and I won’t do this again with anybody else so we gon fix this and we not gon come back here type of love…you feel me?
The new year came around and we were growing further and further apart. Too much history. Too much to forgive. Too much to overlook. Too much just potential. Too many games. My friend asked me to fast with her church. I knew nothing of fasting really but clearly, there was a lot I had to talk to God about. They were doing the Daniel Fast, so I jumped on the bandwagon.
A 21 day fast and a-whole-lot of praying!
For 21 days, I prayed for God to show me if this was my husband. 21 days! He would always text and say good morning, and we’d usually hang on the weekends, but for 21 days he never even tried to reach me. My little mind kept trying to make sense of it, but I was in awe and disbelief.
Day 1, fast over. My phone goes off. “Ana I love you and I know what I want.” My heart melted. God had answered my prayers. I asked him about the other woman he was dealing with and he proceeded to tell me that he loved me but he cared about her too. “Wait!” When I asked if he was prepared to make a decision, he admitted he was not – “but I want to be with you.” I was confused. “Wait!” This wasn’t the answer I asked God for! This wasn’t how this was supposed to go, and maybe God had made a mistake. I called him. I deserved, at the least, to hear him say that he still had not chosen me. I had spent 3 weeks eating only my heart, and pleading my case to God for him to love me. I went to war with God for him! My knees were still healing from the war wounds of prayer!
I’m not sure if I was angriest at the no, or at the fact that I waited 12 years to hear it. I wasted 12 years, loving a man that was never meant to love me. I wasted 12 years stifling the voice of God because I couldn’t discern His will from my own. I spent 12 years planning our wedding, naming our children, and picking the city we’d live in. 12 years! And I’m stuck wondering if I had asked God sooner if I’d been a little less broken, a little more open to love, a little less guarded, and a little more willing to hurt, again.
I started fasting every year after that. Now, several times a year. In fasting is where I hear His voice the loudest, and the clearest. That relationship broke me, and in breaking me it brought me closer to God.
“Even now,” says the LORD, “Turn and come to Me with all your heart [in genuine repentance], With fasting and weeping and mourning [until every barrier is removed and the broken fellowship is restored];” JOEL 2:12 AMP
So Father God as I enter into fasting for 2019, I pray that you open my heart to love You more and more, again and again. Soften my heart to Yours and open my ears to hear Your voice. Guard me. Shield me, O Lord! Protect me from coveting anything or anyone that You do not intend for me to enter into covenant with. I am open and longing to hear Your voice. Speak direction, God. Speak healing, speak peace, speak love, speak breakthroughs and power into my atmosphere and every atmosphere that I enter into in Your name. You are marvelous and magnificent and I magnify Your name, Jesus. And these things I pray in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! Amen!